It has been three months since our first court date on November 11th. Three months ago we were allowed to spend eight hours over the course of a week getting to know and fall in love with our angel. 8 hours. Three months ago. ..
The last three months have been the hardest of my life so far. I have suffered with depression, anxiety, fear, anger, frustration, distrust, doubt. All of these feelings directed at the adoption process and also directed at the Lord. I could go into the details of all the reasons we have been waiting to pass court for three months to no avail. I could explain the difficulty of having our lives in the hands of 2 foreign governments and the United Nations. But all those details really don't matter. What matters is: do I believe God is good and do I believe God is in control?
Some days as I look around I feel like I am in a dark, black, hole and there is no hope. Some days I have had no strength for hope and I have doubted that God exists rather than accepting that he exists but is not answering my prayers. Other days I have seen the beauty of snow on a mountain, my seven year old son following my mom down the slope, thrilled that snowboarding has finally clicked! Analyzing the most perfect, yet uniquely beautiful snowflakes fall from the sky and want to shout praises from the chairlift - because only such joy could come from a God that is good!
I decided about a month ago that I could no longer pray about the details of our adoption anymore. All I can do is turn that over to God and to my loving community of friends to pray for me. All I have been praying is for God to give me the strength to get through this time. Because every time a little detail gets screwed up, or Mike and I have to face another devastating disappointment I want to be able to to run to God with my grief, not blame him for it.
Well this week I have decided to once again pray for the details with HOPE. Yes we have suffered the pain and grief of meeting, holding and falling in love with a little girl half way across the world, then leaving her with my heart wrenched out but with no idea how long this process would really take. Next grieving the problems our case has had, and finally resolving to accept that this is where we are - not knowing whether or not we will ever be able to bring her home, but also resolving that even if we can't and we have to suffer that pain I want to suffer the pain with God by my side, not in the dark.
So as I sit on the eve of the day our court case will again go before the judge in Ethiopia I am scared. But I am putting myself out there, trusting and vulnerable before the Lord. Hoping that I will wake up in the morning and be able to call my angel by her name, our daughter.
"The sovereign Lord will be my strength, beautiful mystery. Through the suffering and loss your mercy remains, I will trust in you" Aaron Ivey - Beautiful Mystery
I hear your heart, Kelly, all the way through; all the emotions, all the struggles with the Lord, all the feelings of hopelessness and then choosing to hope again, feeling all prayed out and having to rely completely on others for that. I'm so with you! And I hope that tomorrow will be a day of rejoicing for us all.
ReplyDeletePraying for you right now! We had a hard time passing court last year, but all of the changes you all are going through now seem so much harder.
ReplyDeleteSitting here in my hotel room with messy mascara. I love you so much, that has been one of the greatest gifts of this journey. I hope to be shouting with joy from the rooftops with you very soon!
ReplyDeleteWow. Thanks for sharing your story. It helps the rest of us that are still waiting to even get a match to be prepared (even though I know we couldn't ever really get prepared for something like this). I like how Tina summed it up - that you are choosing hope again. I'll be praying.
ReplyDeleteHOPE is an incredibly necessary, but often incredibly terribly disappointing thing to have and hold onto. I'm so proud of you for returning to HOPE and continuing to battle the doubt and believe in God's goodness. He is good Kel ... and yes, your community is praying--and yelling--right along with you. Even when you cannot. Love you guys sooo much ...
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