45 days later and we still have not passed court

We start every week with the hope that this will be the week. The weekend ends, its Monday...maybe this will be the week. Then the good news comes "as soon as _________ happens we will be all set". Then 12 or maybe 24 or sometimes 48 hours later...."sorry something else has come up....it should be cleared up next week".

Or sometimes Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday of wearing down my battery checking my email, or jumping every time the phone rings hoping they will finally call with good news. Then Friday ends and I know I won't hear anything all weekend. Then it is Sunday evening, getting ready to start a new week. Hoping yet trying to not hope. Believing this is finally the day/week/month she will finally be ours, then having it not happen. Crying out "Why again? How many more weeks of this can I take?" Then waking up and starting another day, another week, soon to be another month.

We thought we would have her home by Christmas or soon after. It is December 26th and we have never been more unsure. Unsure whether or not the little girl we have held in our arms will be able to come home to us. It can't be possible can it? There are fears and doubts in my mind that I wish I could highlight with my mouse and erase from my brain as easily as I can erase them from this blog.

Put on a happy face. "Think of the children who are home with you" "Enjoy the time you have to rest and recharge" Trust, believe, pray.....cry...pray....disbelieve....fight....pray....make breakfast, go about your day, clean the house, play with the kids, fight temptation, fight self indulgence, fight despair, sometimes win the fight, sometimes lose. Call Kevala, cry some more. Read scriptures, try again. Collapse into the arms of the only person who knows how you feel...lay on the floor with him and listen to music. Go to bed, dream, pray, hope, take a deep breath and plunge into another week.

Our trip to Ethiopia and our adoption status.

Wow it has been a long time since I have written anything on our blog. I guess because the last month has been an unbelievable whirlwind of ups and downs. The week before we left for Addis Ababa to meet our angel was a rush of packing, praying and preparing to fly half way across the world. I was nervous and curious about what it would be like to meet her.

Our time in Ethiopia was the most emotionally challenging and intense week of my life so far. It was like jumping into the middle of the ocean, you can do nothing but swim until you get back on the boat and when you get into the boat you are are exhausted. Each day had its challenges and its delights and each day was really intense. Some of the joys of our trip:

1. Seeing our Angel in real life for the first time. Seeing how beautiful and tiny and precious she is. Learning who she is outside of a photo. She is fearless and independent (much like her brother Sam). She likes to play, she loves peek-a-boo and she made us work for her smile. She has beautiful cheeks, skinny little legs and the cutest little puckered lip expression.
2. Getting to see David experience Africa for the first time. He was enthralled with the differences there; the men herding goats, donkeys as work animals, wild dogs, all the Ethiopian adults who were so happy to see an American child and who wanted to love on him. Our guest house driver always tried to talk to him, a shop owner hugged him out of nowhere and some young women at a restaurant just went on and on about how beautiful he is. And he handled it all with kind, shy and polite interest.
   
3. Getting to see David engage with his sister. He wanted her to love him just as much as we wanted her to love us. He was gentle and patient with her. He said. "Mom her head is so warm and I love her hair". He handed her toys and smiled at her. He worked really hard to master her name with an Amharic accent so when he said it, he would get her attention. When she took his hat from him in a game of peek-a-boo she looked back at him with an expression of "I'm pretending to be fearless - but I'm afraid of how you will react to that" and he gave her the most loving smile.
4. Seeing her find security in Mike's loving arms.
5. Feeling relief when I was able to comfort her and she fell asleep on my shoulder. Feeling her little arms grip onto me when I was patting her back and she was crying. I thought she wanted me to put her down but she held on tight like don't let me go. (5 minutes later she vomited all over me, poor thing was not feeling well that day).
6. The kind and caring way which Tomas and Lelena took us around Addis, to court, to sightseeing and to and from a dinner out. They work so hard for all the parents and children.
7. Getting to go through this week with other adoptive parents. Getting to know them and being thankful that many of our angel's orphanage mates will be in the Denver area. In the midst of all the intensity of the week having a shared experience with others was such a blessing.
8. Meeting our angel's birth father. Seeing his eyes light up in hope for the opportunity his daughter will have to get an education and to live with a loving family. Getting to take photos of us and him, he and his daughter and a video of him giving a blessing to her. I know these will be cherished pieces of her story as she gets older, and we feel so blessed by the way the Ethiopian culture has embraced birth parent-adoptive parent meetings.
   

And there were also the hard parts:

1. Worrying that our angel was not taking to us as we thought she would. Worrying that she didn't like us. Worrying that all the love and attention we were showering her with was overwhelming and confusing her. Seeing in living color how much pain she has been through at such a young age.
   
2. Feeling inadequate and walking around all week like I was in a weird dream. It is so unbelievable to spend 18 months dreaming about a moment and then to really be living it. It was surreal.
3. Sitting in a court waiting room, seated across from our angel's birth father. Each of us stealing glances at the other, waiting for our time to go in and tell the judge that we will accept this little girl into our family whom we have prayed for, yet only spent two hours with. I get nervous going to traffic court, I was barely able to make it through court in a foreign country that holds the fate of our family in their hands.
4. Seeing the little babies and all the children at the orphanage crying, smiling, reaching out for someone to love them, with big hopeful eyes. They are well cared for, but they all need to feel the love of a family to protect them. They are real children, just like my Sam and David. They just don't have anyone to care for them yet, they are alone. And if they are matched with a family they do have people who care for them, but they are thousands of miles away, waiting day after day for permission to go get them.
5. Witnessing other birth parent meetings. Where mothers are crying that they have to give their children up, because they can't feed them, and mothers are crying because they have promised to care for the child but it just breaks their hearts to see the pain in the birth mother's eyes. Two families pulled together in love, joy and tragedy. Playing out in front of me - not in a movie. Real life.
6. Having to place my baby, sick and sad in the arms of her nanny, walk away, get in a van, drive to the airport, board a plane, fly half way around the world still not knowing when we will be able to go back and bring her home.

And here we are 21 days later.

We have spent the last three weeks on a rollercoaster of emotional torture. Every day waiting to hear that our paperwork is finally in order and that our court case is finalized so we can get a date to fly back to Ethiopia. Almost every day is new information, but none of it is official yet. I still can't post pictures or her name. I still can't say she is officially our daughter. Even though her father relinquished her. Even though we told a judge we will accept her. Even though we promised her father that we will care for her as if she is from our flesh. We have been waiting 21 days now for "the news". We have another court date scheduled for Dec. 7th. We don't need to appear at the court date, it is just for the judge to review our paperwork and determine if everything is in order. We are still waiting on an approval from the Gambella Regional Government before the judge can rule on it. We are watching other adoptive parents excitedly post that they have passed court, and we are still waiting. Waiting and hoping that the paperwork will get sorted out soon, worrying that every day that passes the longer our baby will have to live in an orphanage alone and without her family.

I hope to post "the news" soon.