The good, the bad and a horse stuck in a swamp

As soon as I think the wait list movement is going to ramp up again...it stalls out. I feel up with good news, and then knocked down again by "new news".

First the good new -

Early last week my best friend, Kevala, took time off work so that we could cruise down to Centennial and check out the offices for our adoption agency. I have never been in there before and I thought it would be a good opportunity to get my eyes on "the board" (wait list). We also have a new adoption coordinator that I thought would be nice to meet face to face.

Seeing the board in person was fun. I quickly tried to memorize every detail and analyze where movement would happen, how many people are duplicates on multiple lists, etc. Analysis done in search of some kind of answer of how and when this list will ever move. Of course this was all done with me trying to act very casual, like "hmmm....I just happen to be standing near this board and casually looking at it, and Oh, did you just ask me a question? Yes I'm totally listening" (You know, just trying to cover up my crazy a little bit). So that was the fun part. Also our new coordinator is really sweet and doesn't treat me like an adoption version of bridezilla when I ask her questions so that is good news as well.

And then the "new news" -

I don't know if it is bad news necessarily - but definitely not what I was expecting. After our agency reported that they had made connections with two additional orphanages and that they hoped to be finding families for the children in the next few weeks, I assumed they meant over the next 3-6 weeks they would be referring children to families. Well when I was down at the agency my coordinator told me that the partnerships with the two new orphanages would not be official/final until after approval by the Ethiopian government and that they doubt that will happen until after the election. Then the time frame of end of June, beginning of July was thrown out there for when they would be matching children with families. This is significantly longer than "in the next few weeks"! I would say that qualifies more as the "next few (3!) months". I have to imagine that the agency is feeling pressure to begin referring again. I read today that the baby girl list is up to 44!!! There have been new families added every week and only 2 referrals from the wait list in the last 7 weeks.

Then the silver lining -

When Mike and I planned out our spring, we wanted to make sure we had some romantic getaways on the calendar, because we had no idea how long the referral process would take. We knew it was probably going to be a while but we wanted to get them planned, just in case things happened more quickly than expected (ridiculously optimistic in retrospect). We have one getaway planned per month for March, April, and May. I had no idea when we planned them what a great breath of fresh air they would be during this process.

It has been so nice to have dates to look forward to and plans to make that we can count on in this time of uncertainty. Plus is has been a blessing to have a few days each month to not think about the adoption and the wait list. And to just get lost in the the present rather than fretting about the future.

This last month we went to Scottsdale, AZ for my cousin's wedding and had an amazing time with our family and our two boys. Next month Mike and I are off to Napa Valley, CA - just the two of us. I am really looking forward to it, and I am hoping it will help this month pass quickly so we can get the Ethiopian Election over with. I will be praying for a fair, democratic, and non-violent election. I will also be praying that this "nothingness" of our wait list will not overtake my resolve.

Just like Atreyu told Artax (his horse) in the swamp.....

Atreyu:
Fight against the sadness Artax. Artax, please. You're letting the sadness of the swamps get to you. You have to try, you have to care. For me, I'm your friend, I love you.

(Artax doesn't move and Atreyu slaps the puddle sending water flying toward the horse. He yells at him again.)

Artax, you're sinking! Come on, turn around, you have to, now! Come on! Artax! Fight against the sadness, Artax. Artax, please, you're letting the sadness of the swamps get to you. You have to try. You have to care, for me, you're my friend, and I love you. Artax! Stupid horse! You've gotta move or you'll die! Move, please! I won't give up! Don't quit! Artax! Please!

(then he pleads with him.)

Move please. I won't give up! Jump quick! Artax please!

(Yes my kids have recently discovered "The Neverending Story". This should bring back some strong memories for those of you born between 1970 and 1990. I guess in the context of this analogy I would be the stupid horse...but whatever) **Thanks to Google and a public Facebook account managed by a nerdy Scotsman and dedicated to Artax the horse for the dialog.

4 Months? Why am I so surprised by this?

Okay, so I went in search of these cute counting tickers that I see at the top of a bunch of adoption blogs I follow that give a count of how long you have been waiting in the adoption process and I created one for our blog (you can see it at the top) and then added it to the blog. When I added it I noticed that it said 4 months, 3 weeks and 4 days. I stared at that time and thought "4 months....no way, it feels soooo much longer than that!". I guess that is because Mike made me wait two months after we decided to adopt before we could start the process (wanted to get our Kenya trip done first) and because I waited for about 5 months for Mike to decide if it is something he wanted as well. So really for me it has been almost ONE YEAR that I have been waiting, praying, hoping, planning, thinking. Anyway, I just found it funny that I was so confused by the 4 month mark - and I thought I would share it. Happy Sunday!

And Now Some GOOD News:

Posted on IAN's website today!!!!

-IAN has reached agreements with two new orphanages to place children with families! We hope to begin finding families for these kids in the next few weeks.
-IAN’s care home will be moving in the next few weeks. We have already outgrown our current location, so the new home will have eight rooms, and will house 10-20 more children.
-The new care home will allow kids 2 1/2 years and up to attend preschool classes at the care home.

Connecting with other parents connected through adoption

I read back through my prayer journal today. I have only had this particular journal for two weeks. I’ve been quite faithful; writing in it almost every day. Reading back through I was hoping to gain some kind of insight into where I’ve been or where I am going in my head on this journey. It was glaringly clear what an up and down battle I am fighting in my head every day. One day I will end the day feel grateful for everything I have; my husband, my two birth children, our home, our families, our health. The very next day I am sounding desperate for some symbol of hope that the wait list will move. The next day all I can write is one sentence affirming that it will all work out, needing to write it down because I truly don’t believe it at that moment. The next day I’m bargaining….what can I do? what should I do? what do I need to do? Then back to hopeful and grateful. Everyday, no matter what is going on at the end of the day when it is quiet in my house and all the “things to do” are done, it is all I can think about and pray about….just please let this happen. I feel like a broken record. I feel stuck in the midst of motion…like I am paused.

Still in the waiting place, I have found a silver lining; connecting with other parents who are linked to adoption. I have joined an adoption support group in Broomfield. We had our first meeting last month. It was wonderful to talk with parents who are either in the process of adopting or who are raising their children that were adopted. It was fun to connect with people who understand where we are and why we want to be here. One of the families adopted their daughter from China. It took them three years to get her, but here she is, beautiful and loving and the light of their lives. Hearing their story gave me hope.

Two days after our adoption support group meeting we had our third adoptive parenting class. If you have been reading my blog for a while you know that I was not looking forward to these classes, but now that our last one is coming up I am sad that we will no longer have these monthly meetings. It is certainly not because I like to sit in an uncomfortable chair for 5 hours. Rather because between the teaching are moments where we can connect not only with parents who are also adopting, but they are also adopting through IAN, from Ethiopia, right now. They are on the same lists as we are and are struggling with many of the same things – frustrations with government changes, paperwork, and “the list”.

Connecting with other parents in the world of adoption has been medicine for my soul these last few weeks. I look forward to the day when we are getting together because we all have children adopted from the same orphanage. Unfortunately our agency doesn’t seem to have the resources to organize regular get-togethers after these classes are done. I think I might volunteer to be the organizer. It’s what I’m naturally good at anyway :)

Running a race with no clear route

So I just got off the phone with our adoption coordinator and it sounds like I better just brace myself for the next few months. After a month without any movement on our waitlists I was really hoping to talk to her today and get some glimmer of hope. Instead I got a lot of what I always get, articulate explanations of the process without any answers because there aren't really any answers to have. So I called with the hope that I would say, "hmmm, there hasn't been any movement on our lists in a month...any reason for this?" and she would say, "Oh, don't worry, it has been a month so you should see some movement here soon".

Instead, I got to learn that 1) Ethiopian elections are coming up in May, and 2) the Director of IAN is traveling to Ethiopia this week to work on a bunch of operational stuff, including that she is pursuing three additional orphanages to potentially work with because IAN's demand for children has grown substantially 3) Our expected wait for referral has doubled

1) The election: I was told that when elections approach in Ethiopia things slow down in general. It isn't really "business as usual" there during election time like it is here. Not specifically related to adoption, just in general and that it may effect the speed which children move through "the system". Okay, but what about the actual election? That is just plain stressful to me, because who knows what the adoption policies will look like after the election. They may change, they may stay the same. The newly elected government may continue to be open to international adoption, or they may not. If I had a wish, it would be that there wasn't going to be an election anytime soon so that I wouldn't have to worry about how that will effect Ethiopian adoption (though in reality elections are so important, more important than our adoption - I just wish they weren't happening while we are trying to adopt)

2) IAN's director traveling to Ethiopia this week will hopefully bode well for IAN and us waiting families. This is definitely something that could result in great things for IAN if they are able to work with additional orphanages. More orphanages = more children for referrals = more children being matched with waiting families. Hoping/praying for a miracle here.

3) Referral timing doubling. Finally - the last piece of news I received is that the time from waitlist to referral has been increased from 4-7 months (what we were originally told) to 8-12 months - I have been told this is strictly related to demand. The lists have really grown in the last six months. Still it is exhausting news to hear. Right now it just feels like the longer we are in the process - the farther away the end seems. It is like training for a marathon, starting the race and after mile 4 they tell you "Sorry you have been training for a 26 mile run, but due to circumstances we can't really explain and situations out of our control your race may now be 40 miles...or maybe longer....or shorter....what?...why are you freaking out? We told you marathons are hard!"

I'm starting to picture Sammy being closer to 4, 5, 6? when his little sister comes home.

I actually thought being on the waitlist would be fun. Checking every week (okay every day) to see how much closer we were, watching the boys get excited with Mike and I as we moved closer up the list. So far its been more like sitting in the waiting room at the DMV (or immigration services): your life in the hands of other people, powerless over the timing, being expected to sit quietly, don't get upset.....and wait.

At least the "news" didn't rock me quite as hard emotionally as other news has recently. Maybe the marathon training is paying off. Regardless, right now I just want to throw a shoe at something and at the same time begging for a water break.