Attachment is such a difficult subject, it is hard for the parents who already have their children in their home and it is also very hard for parents who are waiting to adopt. For me it is a scary prospect to have to wait for months or years to be united with your child, but in the end really being placed in what is essentially an arranged marriage. Neither the child nor the parent truly being in control of who they end up with. Sure - as an adoptive parent we have a heck of a lot more say in the situation than the child, but ultimately we are being tied for life to a human being we do not know. This whole reality is a difficult subject for me and it really is a reality that I have been avoiding looking at for a few months now.
Back in December I began reading a book called "Attaching in Adoption" by Deborah Gray. This book was an informative book, though too clinical, and totally terrifying. It was full of all kinds of information on the psychological, physical and developmental differences between an adopted child and a birth child. It gave examples of difficulties in attachment and offered some solutions to the problem. But mostly it just freaked me out. So I returned it to the library and decided to take a break from reading on this subject.
After reading the article my friend sent me this week I decided it was time that I take another look at the reality of parenting a child through adoption. That it is much more than having a daughter, the color pink, and pretty dresses. So I went in search of another book that would teach me and prepare me to understand the world of international adoption through the heart and mind of an adopted child.
The book I decided to read is called "Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child". I am about 75 pages into this book and so far it has been great. Not only does it explain the differences in parenting an adopted child but it also offers clear cut activities and solutions for encouraging attachment from the first days you arrive home all the way through the teen years. It is written in a way that I feel is very sensitive to people who are either deciding or waiting to adopt. It is not scary nor is it full of horror stories.What has really hit home to me so far from this book is the reality of how confusing, scary and uncertain life is for a child who has been placed in international adoption. It is so sad to me that these children have been given nothing in life but the message that they are alone and they can only depend on themselves. Everything they know about adults is that they will be gone at some point. The main message they have been given - no matter what their personality or life circumstances have been so far - is that the world is a painful place to be. Not only that - it is painfully unpredictable. From the child's perspective this is what has been taught "Your parents have left you alone. Just when you think you are in a safe place - you may be shipped to (or to another) orphanage. As soon as you get to know the care takers in the orphanage and begin to possibly depend on them, you are abruptly told you are moving to the care facility. Then out of nowhere you are told that you are going home with a couple of strangers who look nothing like you, who speak another language and who are the very people who are taking you from everything and everyone familiar to you."
As a parent (who is painstakingly....patiently...waiting, wondering when and wondering who will be my child) it is really hard to read this reality. To understand that this is what my daughter will know about life when I meet her. It is also totally overwhelming to think that I have to somehow be up to the challenge of building trust so that I may try my best to teach a new version of life to this little child. I feel inadequate and ill-equipped. I feel like I should have a degree and certification to be able to do this. I feel blessed to be given the opportunity to change a life so drastically. I feel guilty for needing to pull her out of her familiar environment in order to teach her this new lesson. I feel a huge weight of responsibility.........
But I feel committed to doing my best. I will try to allow myself grace and failures, and I will keep praying for the strength and tools to be up for the job.
