For the second time this week I have been hit with shock and disbelief over stories of incredibly painful experiences that other trying-to-adopt (TTA) parents have had thrust upon their lives. For one caring TTA family their experience was one of being taken advantage of by a girl in a private adoption scenario and the other TTA family it was being taken advantage of by the Foster-adopt program. The first family flew across the country to be at the birth of the baby they were told they could adopt and were painfully and vindictively abused at the hospital by the birth family. They left devastated, traumatized, and returned to an empty home. The second TTA family devoted months to a precious child in foster-adopt, they were given the impression that they would be able to adopt this child and then the child was taken from them and returned to its birth mother.
I have had friends who have given babies up for adoption, and I know what a difficult and painful experience it is for them as well. I know that neither of them approached their decision in a casual manner. I know that they made the right choice and gave their child to another family so that family could give the life to the child that they were not ready to give. I also know families who have had their child taken away from them by the State of Colorado CPS. I know that these families are doing the best they are capable of to care for their child. Unfortunately the best they are capable of is neglect and/or abuse.
Most people if asked would tell you that the most painful experience of adoption is experienced by the child. And this is absolutely TRUE.
Most people will then express how painful adoption is for the birth mother, and birth family. This is also absolutely TRUE.
But people rarely ever talk about how painful the process is for the TTA parents out there. Most people view TTA parents as "doing a good thing" or "getting a child the easy way". And it is true that the experience the TTA parents have is not the same experience as the birth family or the child. TTA parents do not experience the grief, loss and pain of relinquishment. But this does not make TTA parents the ones who have it easy, or the ones who are disposable.
The decision to become a TTA parent is the most difficult decision I have ever made. It has quickly become the most difficult season of my life. It is difficult for a lot of reasons. As a TTA parent you walk openly, trustingly into the hands of an adoption agency, lawyer, birth mother or social worker. You are questioned, drilled, asked the most private questions and put to the test to see if you are fit to be a parent. You hand over your finances and the comfort of your current life. You hand over your hopes and dreams for the next member of your family. You place relationships on the line (because not everyone will think it is a good idea). And why do we do this?
Why do we put so much in our lives at risk? For all of us, it is because we passionately care for the children in the world who are not being provided for. Our hearts break to think of a child without parents. Our hearts yearn to heal the wounds of the children who innocently are living in a broken world where they can't be cared for by their birth parents. Our hearts break for the mothers and families who simply cannot care for their children and who are stuck with very few options....yet they sacrifice their own need to be with their child to provide a better life for their child. For many TTA parents adoption is their last chance at becoming parents. They have suffered relentlessly for years with infertility.
Most people have only a pop-culture education on what it means to be a TTA parent. It is all media images of parents flipping through books with pictures of children up for adoption, “just casually choose the one you want from this orphanage”. Maybe this was how adoption worked in this country in years past. Maybe it is all fiction. But in the year 2010 it is a jumble of legal paperwork, financial scrambling, waiting, bureaucracy, training, waiting, foreign policy, waiting, immigration law, waiting and trust in this jumbled system. And incredibly there are people out there who we place our trust in who lack hesitation about misleading a TTA family. Give them hope for a child, but if it doesn't work out...oh well. No damage done, they were "just trying to do a good thing" they will find another way.
There are lawyers, social workers, and adoption agency reps out there who just want to move you through their system. If it takes 2-3 years - well you better wait. If it never happens, sorry we still need our fees. If you have been caring and loving a child for months, weeks, days but it is determined that they are best back with their birth mother...sorry hand over the child who for years you have been hoping, waiting, praying, and crying for.**
And then there are the people who just hear the saying "trying to adopt" and want to fill your head with all kinds of garbage. Unload their horror story about adoptions gone bad. Unload their opinions on trans-racial families, or advice on not messing up your family with unknown DNA strands. Most of these people are your friends. Most people are well meaning and just don't understand how hurtful this is to TTA parents.
And then there are the people who don't like TTA families. These are the people who feel like TTA parents are stealing babies that aren't really theirs. How do I know this? Because at a time in my life I was one of the people who didn't like them. When I was in high school my friend found out she was pregnant. She selflessly made the brave choice to give her son up for adoption. I was there at the hospital when the adoptive parents came into the room to hold him. I know I was thinking, "why are they here? what is wrong with them, can't they see how painful this is?" I was a teenager, so I was probably even glaring at them. I never once had any empathy for the months? years? that they had been hoping, waiting, praying, crying. The months upon months of not knowing if they would be given an opportunity to parent a child (any child) they so wanted.
If my friend had changed her mind and decided to keep her son I would have rejoiced. He was her baby after all. And I wouldn't have thought twice about the family that would have been sent home empty handed. Because that is all they were to me.....a solution to a problem, and once they were no longer needed - they could be disposed of. They would just adopt another baby.
But I was wrong. And now that I am a TTA parent I know how hard it is to be trying to adopt. I hope it doesn't get any harder, I hope I can persevere until the time when I can move from TTA to Mommy of three. During this journey I have also come to know so many amazing TTA parents who are the kindest most giving people I have met. I hope people who read this will no longer see TTA parents as disposable parents, or a dumping ground for opinions. I hope that people who read this will see TTA parents as what they are; loving, compassionate, caring people who are hoping, waiting, praying, crying out for the opportunity to love a child who needs love.
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**In my personal adoption experience I have met many caring and compassionate adoption workers who are also passionate about helping the world’s children, professionally and personally. I know there are many amazing social workers, lawyers, adoption agencies and birth families who do everything they can to make adoption a positive experience for children and parents. I have also encountered so many supportive and caring friends and family through this process. I don't know where we would be without them. This blog post is in response to the stories of those who have unfortunately bumped into the other.
