Our homestudy is complete!

After 6 hours of interviewing and loads of paperwork we are finally finished with our part of our homestudy. It is a bit of a crazy process which I refer to as "interviewing for your own life". You need to provide references and answer questionaires about yourself such as, describe your personality, and how do you solve conflict? The multiple choice answers to the questions can range from anything from "I'm a perfect angel" to "I'm totally crazy and out of control".

We were asked to explain our family dynamics, our childhood experiences and our dating and married relationship. We were questioned on our parenting and presented with the challenges we will face with welcoming an adopted child into our home. We even learned a new P.C. term that will describe our new family "transracial". We were asked to describe how we planned to incorporate Ethiopian culture into our family. We tried to come up with a good answer, when really we were thinking "I don't know yet, can you offer any suggestions?". Mike and I both felt pressure to present our best game, similar to a job interview. It is really bizzare to need to be interviewed about whether or not you are a fit parent when all I needed to do to get my other two children was spend some extra time with my spouse!

But all said and done the process was fairly easy, despite some irritating paperwork. And on the upside; our homestudy agent is a wonderful woman who has two teen boys that she adopted 15 years ago and she has been a great resource for our questions and concerns.

So here's to hoping that our state approval will be finalized by the end of January!

Christmas is almost here

Christmas is almost here and I was struck today. I was sitting in Church enjoying the Christmas music and I was struck with wonder. I wonder if our little Angel has been born yet. I wonder if she is safely with God waiting to come down to be born. I wonder if she is already born and she is with her birth mother or birth family. I wonder if she is being well fed. I wonder if she is warm enough.

It is almost inconceivable to think that she is our daughter and she is going to have a life before us. It is almost inconceivable to think that I could get on a plane and be in Ethiopia in one day, but we need to wait who knows how long to be able to go do that.

I am praying that she is feeling love. I am glad that even if I don't know who she is yet, that God does. And I am glad that we both have Him on our side.

Merry Christmas!

Emotional Roller-Coasters and Hating a Book

Most of the time when I read other blogs on adoption they are all about the joys of adopting and the frustrations with the process. But I am yet to find a blog about the emotional roller-coaster that I have been on by making such a big decision in my life. At the beginning of looking into adoption I talked to one adoptive parent who told me that infertility is the only thing that she has done in her life that is harder than adoption. I know I am only at the beginning of realizing the full circle of what she meant by that, but I think I am starting to get a taste of what she means.

I just don't think I have ever had to make such a big decision in my life that is so fraught with "what ifs" and "how will I handle that?". It hits me unexpectedly from a variety of sources. Whether it is from some well intentioned, but totally inconsiderate stranger who decides to tell me their version of how horrible adoption has been for some friend of a friend. Or, if it is from reading yet another chapter in the book "Attaching in Adoption" that totally freaks me out with long explanations of all the trauma that adopted children may (or may not) have gone through and the way that it may (or may not) manifest in their behavior and ability to relate emotionally with their parent (ie Me in this situation). These would be the moments of watching the roller-coaster slowly inching up to a precipice of fear and insecurity and me thinking "oh crap I'm not sure why I got on this ride, and maybe I should get off!"

Then there are the days of unexpectedly finding a friend from my past who has just adopted two beautiful twin babies from Ethiopia and speaking with him and he is just over the moon delighted with his amazing new family. Or the phone call I get from another IAN adopted parent who has nothing but encouragement and positive things to say about her daughter that she adopted 2 years ago that has been nothing but a joy in their lives. Stories of how she remembers the day she met her daughter in the orphanage and how she cherishes that day in the same way that she cherishes the day that each of her birth children were born. Now I am riding down the roller-coaster, floating on air with excitement and joy for the decision we have made.

So here I am, preparing myself for the worst, reading a book that I hate and dread to pick up because of how hard it makes it seem to parent an adopted child. I have a plan. Educate, be informed and then release. My plan is to make myself learn about the hard things so that I am prepared and then let go. Releasing the "what ifs" until I have our child and our set of challenges. Operating in a world of "what if's" is basically a torture chamber. Its like being engaged and reading books on the hardships of spousal abuse, infidelity and divorce.

Luckily I have an amazing husband who will hear all of my worries and will reassure me and prop me up on the hard days and delight in the good days. Luckily I have a best friend who will remind me of the thrill that I will someday soon get to shop in the "pink aisle". Luckily we have an incredibly experienced homestudy worker who has reassured me that she went through the same feelings 17 years ago when she adopted her first child. Luckily I have two beautiful boys who stare back at me every day and remind me that I am a good mother. That I have weathered a whole lot of challenges already, and that parenting all children is an emotional roller-coaster, unpredictable and an unfathomable reward.

For now I guess I better just buckle the sea belt and hold on to the joyful days.