Emotional Roller-Coasters and Hating a Book

Most of the time when I read other blogs on adoption they are all about the joys of adopting and the frustrations with the process. But I am yet to find a blog about the emotional roller-coaster that I have been on by making such a big decision in my life. At the beginning of looking into adoption I talked to one adoptive parent who told me that infertility is the only thing that she has done in her life that is harder than adoption. I know I am only at the beginning of realizing the full circle of what she meant by that, but I think I am starting to get a taste of what she means.

I just don't think I have ever had to make such a big decision in my life that is so fraught with "what ifs" and "how will I handle that?". It hits me unexpectedly from a variety of sources. Whether it is from some well intentioned, but totally inconsiderate stranger who decides to tell me their version of how horrible adoption has been for some friend of a friend. Or, if it is from reading yet another chapter in the book "Attaching in Adoption" that totally freaks me out with long explanations of all the trauma that adopted children may (or may not) have gone through and the way that it may (or may not) manifest in their behavior and ability to relate emotionally with their parent (ie Me in this situation). These would be the moments of watching the roller-coaster slowly inching up to a precipice of fear and insecurity and me thinking "oh crap I'm not sure why I got on this ride, and maybe I should get off!"

Then there are the days of unexpectedly finding a friend from my past who has just adopted two beautiful twin babies from Ethiopia and speaking with him and he is just over the moon delighted with his amazing new family. Or the phone call I get from another IAN adopted parent who has nothing but encouragement and positive things to say about her daughter that she adopted 2 years ago that has been nothing but a joy in their lives. Stories of how she remembers the day she met her daughter in the orphanage and how she cherishes that day in the same way that she cherishes the day that each of her birth children were born. Now I am riding down the roller-coaster, floating on air with excitement and joy for the decision we have made.

So here I am, preparing myself for the worst, reading a book that I hate and dread to pick up because of how hard it makes it seem to parent an adopted child. I have a plan. Educate, be informed and then release. My plan is to make myself learn about the hard things so that I am prepared and then let go. Releasing the "what ifs" until I have our child and our set of challenges. Operating in a world of "what if's" is basically a torture chamber. Its like being engaged and reading books on the hardships of spousal abuse, infidelity and divorce.

Luckily I have an amazing husband who will hear all of my worries and will reassure me and prop me up on the hard days and delight in the good days. Luckily I have a best friend who will remind me of the thrill that I will someday soon get to shop in the "pink aisle". Luckily we have an incredibly experienced homestudy worker who has reassured me that she went through the same feelings 17 years ago when she adopted her first child. Luckily I have two beautiful boys who stare back at me every day and remind me that I am a good mother. That I have weathered a whole lot of challenges already, and that parenting all children is an emotional roller-coaster, unpredictable and an unfathomable reward.

For now I guess I better just buckle the sea belt and hold on to the joyful days.