Courts Open September 28

So IAN posted on their blog that their Ethiopian staff have confirmed that courts will open on September 28th. I'm glad to have a real date, though surprisingly dissappointed that they are not opening until the 28th. I had really wrapped my heart around them opening "mid-September". The 28th feels very not "mid-September".

It is now just over a month since we accepted our referral and the peace that came with the wait list being over is quickly being overtaken by the new found anxiety over the new waiting stage. Here is a short list of the things I worry about:

1) Will her dad change his mind and will we lose her?
2) Will our first court date be way later than we think (hope) it will be?
3) Will this waiting stage be painfully long?
4) What if she gets sick?
5) Is she being well taken care of and feeling loved?

#1 is the hardest one. How can we hope that her dad will not change his mind without being selfish? Yet we already love her so much. How can we love her so much and want her home so badly when the one thing that would guarantee that will happen is that she not get to see her dad and sisters again? So hard, and so painful for everyone involved. And we don't even know anything about her dad. Is he a wonderful man who simply cannot provide for her? Or is he the type of person who you would never want raising children? My mind wanders to this place so many times. Logically I know that if she were able to stay with her birth family that may be the best circumstances for her, but I am not there emotionally. Because I love her and I do not want to have to say goodbye to her. In my heart, in Mike's heart, in Sam and David's she is already part of our family. Our daughter, our baby sister. But in reality, legally, she is not yet our child. She is still his child, their sister.

I wait and wait and wait knowing nothing but the beautiful picture of our hopeful daughter who we are intentionally opening our hearts to - walking knowingly through a mind-field of possible heart shattering circumstances out of our control.

And when I mean intentionally opening our hearts I mean; calling her our daughter already, sharing her picture with David and Sam, painting and decorating her room, buying her clothes, praying for her daily and envisioning her snuggled up to me in our bed. A vision so strong I can almost feel her next to me. Not just "a little angel" anymore, but this very specific little angel. With her beautiful heart shaped mouth, her tiny little arms, her beautiful dark skin, her amazing smiling eyes, her outgoing personality. I love all I know of her already. And I am gripped with fear again that she will be taken away from me, or will not be given to me in the first place.

I am again married to the dates that I have no control over and that will undoubtedly change unexpectedly. I should know by now that I shouldn't set a time-line in my mind - because my time-line will not be "the time-line" in the end. But I just can't do it. Even when I think I'm not doing it - I am.....as proved by my reaction to a little two-week shift in expectation. I keep saying I just want to know our court date whatever it is.....but the truth is if our first court date isn't until January....I'm going to need a big box of tissues.